The Keyclub

The Keyclub
9039 W. Sunset Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90069

During the month of September, the Keyclub is hosting a lineup of new bands that you can go watch for free on Tuesday nights. Headlining the show is a band called Thenewno2. I’d watch out for these guys because, well, for one, the lead singer is George Harrison’s son and we all know how being the offspring of a Beatles member pretty much guarantees some sort of musical success. Their voices are also eerily similar, and at the end of their set I almost wanted to yell “Play I get by with a little help from my friends!” just because I don’t know if I’ll ever get to hear that song live at any other point during my lifetime. 

Then after the show its the after-party (and after the party its the hotel lobby). I’m lying, I never made it to the hotel lobby, but there was an after-party downstairs from the stage. I don’t know if this was a VIP area or not, but I got to mingle with the band members after the show. Everyone was really nice. This is probably because they haven’t graced the cover of Spin magazine yet.

The most interesting part of the VIP/after-party area was the stage equipped with Rock Band. That’s right. After the show even regular people can feel like rock stars as they drink whiskey and get crazy on a plastic drum set. Apparently this kind of performance can actually help you attract members of the opposite sex (although I’m not sure if they’re the right kind of members). One guy was so good at the guitar in Rock Band (he was playing on difficult and achieved a near perfect performance) that a group of girls were cheering him on. I never thought I would see this happen outside the confines of an engineering party.

As the after-party died down my friend and I followed a group of drunk guys outside where one of them proceeded to ask for my number. Then people selling roses started harassing us, so we left. Beware of the people selling roses, and men – beware of women who actually expect you to buy these street roses.

The Breakdown
Men: Show off your Rock Band skills in a public venue with a small chance that a drunk girl might actually find you impressive and hit on you.
Women: If you like guys in tight jeans and/or men who can play a video game instrument better than a real instrument (even though spending the same amount of time on a real instrument – such as a guitar – would turn him into Slash), then check out the after-party at this Hollywood live music venue.

Q’s Billiards

Q’s Billiards
11835 Wilshire Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90025

There is a succession of bars that UCLA students and alumni attend. The first is Maloney’s (which recently changed its name to O’Hara’s). Maloney’s is filled with underage undergrads (freshman and sophomores, mostly) drinking far more than anyone who graduated college can. Any conversation you try to have will be overpowered by “yeah you, shook me all night long!” or “don’t stop believing!”

When I met a guy here, it would usually be someone I already recognized from a fraternity on campus (I was in a sorority, and everyone in the Greek system tended to know each other). He’d walk over and say hello. I’d say “What?! Oh, hi!” Then he’d say something else, maybe about the Bruins winning the basketball game, or about how studying for midterms/finals/writing essays sucked. I’d reply with “I know! I’m SO drunk!” Then we’d proceed to making out. Really deep and meaningful.

During junior/senior year, UCLA students would frequent Westwood Brewing Company. This bar was FAR more sophisticated than Maloney’s/O’Hara’s. It had different rooms, an outdoor courtyard, karaoke, live music, and stand-up comedy. It was much harder to get into with a fake ID, which was great because by junior/senior year the freshmen/sophomores were totally annoying. The biggest plus to Westwood Brewing Co., however, were that GRAD STUDENTS also came here. So instead of shouting over Bon Jovi, I could have intellectually stimulating conversations with my T.A.s about William Blake poetry. And then make out with them.

Ah, but college years are fleeting, and like every great thing in life, they must one day end. As UCLA grads entered the working world and moved far away from Westwood to places like Brentwood and Santa Monica, a new bar needed to become the nesting ground for drinking, conversation, and the inevitable making out that ensues between the hours of one and two a.m. That bar is Q’s Billiards.

Last night I ended up at Q’s, and, like every single time I go here, I ran into fellow UCLA alumni. – a couple of my smartass guy friends who are now getting their Ph.D.’s in political science, but it was nice to catch up. As for meeting people, pool is a great way to strike up conversation with the players around you. I met a Brown alum who knew someone from my high school, and an aspiring musician who lived in Venice. For a Wednesday night, it wasn’t a bad place to go, have a drink, shoot some pool, and mingle. My lady friend kicked my ass, but it was great fun.

So if you’re on the lookout for UCLA alumni on the west side, cue it up at Q’s.

The Breakdown
Men: To meet members of the opposite sex, challenge the ladies next to you with a game of pool – women love competition and pretending they can beat men at games.
Women: Pool is one of those things where it’s hard not to look suggestive while playing (you’re holding a long stick, bending over, and hitting balls). Play a round, and the men will come to you.

Bar Marmont

Bar Marmont
8221 W Sunset Blvd
West Hollywood, CA 90046

Generally, bars like the on Sunset are known to be filled with douchebags. It’s Sunset Blvd. It’s the street of broken dreams – where movie stars and people who pretend they’re movie stars go out to drink, do lines of coke, and get laid. This is the street where the Hollywood dream couple is made – hot bitchy female meets rich douchey male. They make love, get married, get plastic surgery together and reproduce to make more bitchy girls and douchey boys.

Bar Marmont is no exception to this stereotype. Go here on any given night and you will surely meet some girls who won’t talk to men unless they drive a Benz and wear a Rolex and guys who won’t talk to women unless they have fake tits and nothing intelligent to say.

Last night I was there for a networking event. Instead of the usual entertainment industry crowd, the bar was filled with lawyers and investment bankers. Hedge fund analysts and ivy league graduates. Although there may have been nice people in this crowd, the nature of the event immediately lent itself to the pinnacle of doucheness. Every conversation consisted of people sizing each other up based on where they grew up, the schools they went to, and what career they had chosen.

Perhaps if I had met the fairly nice, handsome, tall investment banker I was talking to under different circumstances – a karaoke bar, a costume party, a sporting event, or any other activity where the purpose is just to get drunk and have fun, he might have stood a chance. But the moment he asked for my business card, and not my number, the conversation was over.

The Breakdown
Men: If you want to go to a place where you can see fake butterflies on a ceiling, go here. Do not attempt to meet someone here. Unless, of course, you are a douchebag.
Women: Go here to check out the butterflies on the wall. Even if there are nice guys at this bar, the atmosphere will make them seem like total douchebags. Avoid.

Cat & Fiddle

Cat & Fiddle
6530 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90028

It is possible to have a conversation at a bar, and a smart conversation at that. It doesn’t happen everywhere in LA, and if you get here after 10:30 you’ll have to pay five bucks for it, but that five bucks is worth it.

In the land of blond haired bimbos and guys who think they’re the next Steven Spielberg/Martin Scorsese/Michael Bay, the Cat & Fiddle is a nice respite from the ‘too-good-for-you’ attitude that plagues Los Angeles. I’ve found there’s a reason why some people prefer laid-back pubs and others enjoy dance clubs with loud music. The latter group thrives on showcasing their physical appearance and tuning out the world with bad pop hits because they have nothing to say (except for the occasional “What, what!”). But the kinds of people who go to Cat & Fiddle are the kinds of people who are looking for interesting conversation. This is because this charming pub has a beautiful outside courtyard filled with tables and chairs where groups of friends can mingle and talk. There is no yelling over terrible music here – this is truly a venue where you can enjoy good beer, great chips, and stimulating conversation.

When I was here last week I met a couple of charming, smart men who recently graduated from the University of Chicago. One was a latin teacher and the other was about to start law school. We discussed life after college, living in Los Angeles, the economy, movies, careers, music, etc. Boys who have a little bit of nerd in them (and look like Silent Bob) are the best boys to talk to.

The next time you’re in Hollywood watching a movie at the Arclight, make sure to check out this great bar afterward – it’s a stone’s throw away.

The Breakdown
Men: Great beer, good food, and women who are willing to talk to you. Definitely go here if you have interesting things to say.
Women: This might ACTUALLY be a bar where you can meet someone you’ll want to hang out with again.

The Otheroom

The Otheroom
1201 Abbot Kinney Blvd
Venice, CA 90291

Ah, Venice. It’s not just a beach town. It’s probably one most culturally diverse neighborhoods in Los Angeles – home to Muscle Beach, drum circles, hippies, rich actors, the setting of American History X, skateboarding, and gangs. Venice is an iconic landmark, and important destination for all tourists because a slice of Venice is a slice of American culture – as it houses the rich, the poor, the artists, the businessmen…you will find every kind of person from every walk of life in this part of Los Angeles.

But if you want to stay away from the bums and find the creative-yuppie types, head to The Otheroom in Venice. But prepare yourself – in order to fit in with the Venice crowd, admitting the fact that you actually embrace capitalism over 8 dollar beers will deem you a pariah.

I met a New Yorker at this bar a week ago, who worked for Lifetime as a director’s assistant. He asked me what I did, and I told him about my brief foray with law school, how that didn’t work out, and how I was attempting a career in PR. As he was telling me that I was doing the devil’s work by tricking people into buying shit they don’t need, I wanted to say so many things – about his job at Lifetime, his Diesel jeans, his eight dollar beer, his arrogance about New York…but I bit my tongue. Apparently he was much artsier and more sophisticated than I was.

Next time I go to Venice, I am going to make sure that everyone at the bar knows that I am an artist. And that I can afford to go out to places like The Otheroom because of the trust fund that was bequeathed to me. And that all people who work in advertising are going to burn in the fiery pits hell. And that I really wish I was living in New York. Or San Fransisco, or for real acceptance, Paris, instead – because Europe does EVERYTHING much better than America does.

Sometimes, I really hate the Westside.

The Breakdown
Men: If you want to meet girls with dreadlocks and tattoos who wear long flowy skirts, head to this Venice hotspot.
Women: If you wear dreadlocks, tattooes, and long flowy skirts, and hate capitalism you will have an easy time meeting men at this Venice locale.

Temple Bar

Temple Bar
1026 Wilshire Blvd.
Santa Monica, CA

If you live on the westside, good live local venues are scant – most of them are on the eastside or on Sunset Blvd (i.e. Troubadour, El Rey, Wiltern, Spaceland etc.) So what is a westsider, battling the cost of rising gas prices, while still wanting to be part of Los Angeles’ thriving music scene, to do?

Temple Bar is the answer to that burning question. I went there one weekend to see my friends’ band play – they’re called United by Sound and everyone should check them out. Guys, as an added incentive to check them out – the lead singer is one hot chick. But the best part about Temple bar is the people watching. Hot girls with interesting tattoos and piercings, guys wearing fedora hats, and a racially diverse crowd makes this music venue an interesting place to meet people.

The best way to go about meeting someone at a live music venue entails one of these three things:

1. Being ‘on something.’ What this ’something’ is depends on the type of music you are going to go see. But being ‘on something’ will not only help you appreciate the local band’s music, it will immediately make you recognizable to other members of the crowd who are on like substance. The two of you will stare at each other from across the room, with a mutual understanding of the world, and hopefully become entangled in each other’s arms by the end of the band’s first set.

2. Dancing like nobody’s watching. People will either love you or hate you for this, because everyone likes to listen to their music differently (as in, some people like to stand and stare stoically while other people need to really ‘feel’ the music to enjoy it). But if you’re a dance machine, dancing to the tempo of the music on stage will most likely cause body touching, and since body touching is a precursor to sex, dancing is a great idea.

3. Being a member in the band. If you are in the band, you are 100% guaranteed to meet someone that night and get laid (even if your band sucks).

The Breakdown
Men: A great place to meet alternative, tattooed, pierced chicks.
Women: A great place to meet alternative, tattooed, pierced guys.

Saint Rocke

Saint Rocke
142 PCH
Hermosa Beach, CA

When you move to Los Angeles, one of the first things EVERYONE should do is find a friend or group of friends who live in the South Bay. The South Bay is a homogeneous white upper/upper middle class cluster of beach cities about 30 minutes south of LA proper. When visiting Manhattan Beach/Hermosa Beach/Redondo Beach, expect to see sun-weathered fraternity boys donning Oakleys, board shorts, flip flops, and polo shirts. Oh, and a large group of fairly attractive drunk girls at their side.

That said, I have a great group of guy friends who live down south and allow me to make Hermosa beach my weekend getaway. When the city becomes too fast-paced, it’s the perfect sanctuary, mixing fun bars, the beach, great food, and fun shopping all within a few miles. The Hermosa Beach pier is a great place to organize a pub crawl, and you’ll most likely be accompanied by two or three other pub crawls happening at the same time.

Most bars around Manhattan/Hermosa/Redondo are laid back and dive-y. But then you come across the few that are quite upscale while also being laid-back fun. Saint Rocke is one those bars – a cover charge venue showcasing some surprisingly sonorous sounds. Last weekend a big group including me, my girl friends and the endearing Hermosa boys rocked out to a jazz band headed by soulful singer Chris Pierce. Next month, Saint Rocke will be featuring a Dave Matthews cover band, and I will bet anyone a million dollars that the audience will solely consist of the white-Oakley-board short-polo-drunk girl description above.

The best part about going out in Manhattan/Hermosa/Redondo beach is if you get too drunk and pass out in a back alley somewhere, just wake up, purchase some board shorts, and nurse your hangover at the beach the next day.

The Breakdown
Men: ‘Brah! What’s UP!? Duuuude!’ If these words are in your common vocabulary, you will fit right in and be successful in scoring chicks at these locales.
Women: If you are looking for a laid back, no frills surfer boy/volleyball stud/beach bum/pot smoker who actually makes a decent living, head South on the weekends.

Bar Chloe

Bar Chloe
1449 Second Street
Santa Monica, CA

Looking for a haute spot that’s not an impersonal hotel bar, teeming with an alternative yet upscale crowd? If you think you have to head to Los Feliz for such luxuries, think again! For the Westsiders, Bar Chloe has all of that and more. I went there last night for Buddyhead founder’s Summer Thursdays, drinking one of the bar’s fourteen dollar specialty drinks while listening to DJ Travis Keller spin everything from the Stooges to Pavement.

Bar Chloe is a great date spot, with a nice selection of food and appetizers and an interesting selection of drinks. I sipped on a black velvet, an unexpected and surprisingly tasty mix of Guinness and Champagne. Other drinks on the menu included a lavendar gimlet and a Pimm’s cup. The decor is the best part of the bar, with French chandeliers that looked like something you would find in a well-dressed house from the 80s.

For the single crowd, Bar Chloe is a definite hit. Among the mix of hip Santa Monica locals were Los Angeles born ivy league grads/aspriring actors, UCLA Anderson alumni, and young lawyers. Because of its unmarked entrance, this bar retains an intimate word-of-mouth vibe that gives it a friendlier atmosphere than most other upscale Westside spots.

I spent the majority of the evening talking to a Yale graduate with profound Shakespeare quotes tattooed on his arm. We delved into a deep conversation about the state of the world, rising gas prices, the corn shortage, and the lack of alternative energy to compensate. Again, it took me a while to realize that I was having this conversation at a bar in Santa Monica, miles away from the liberal NPR-listening hipsters of Los Feliz.

So for people who love living by the beach but still want to meet hot, young, intelligent scenesters, this Westside spot with an Eastside feel is the the place.

The Breakdown
Men: The friendly vibe and intimate setting makes this bar an easy place to strike up a conversation with the ladies. Make sure you’ve got a fat wallet though – drinks here are not cheap.
Women: Great spot to meet well-dressed yuppie-hipsters, but be ready to talk about slightly more intense topics than you’re used to – the ambiance of this bar seems to lend itself to that.

Hollywood Hills Party

A friend of a friend’s
Hollywood Hills mansion
Hollywood Hills, CA

Finding the location to one might be tricky, but if you drive around Mulholland Drive or any street that ends with ‘Canyon,’ you will most likely happen upon a multi-million dollar home hosting an evening soiree.

Apart from the A-list celebrities, and with the big exception of the Playboy mansion, parties such as these are surprisingly easy to get into. Since it is common lingo in LA to be invited by ‘a friend of a friend,’ if you’re dressed tastefully, it’s pretty easy to jump into a party and act like you belong. Keep in mind that a lot of these parties are tied to political fund raisers (almost always democratic), charity events (usually cancer), or art openings (generally exhibiting shitty art).

While many of these parties are held by people who work in the ‘industry,’ I’d take this claim with a grain of salt. Probably 75% of the people living in these homes have other means of income (trust fund babies, selling drugs, working the corner of Hollywood/Highland). This is probably not the best place to make connections or sell your script, but it is a GREAT place to score in the food/drink/drugs arena.

The food selection at a Hollywood Hills mansion party is better than any other. Most of them are catered by a swanky Hollywood restaurant, and some of these parties even have servers walking around with silver platters of hors d’oeuvre. The classier parties are limited to wine and champagne, but younger mansion-owners will have a fully stocked wet bar. At almost all homes, lines of coke are offered freely.

I have yet to find love (or anything remotely resembling love) at one of these parties. They always look so promising, speckled with rich attendees, men with successful careers, and the well-dressed Hollywood elite. But after five minutes of conversation with a fellow party-goer, the emotional baggage, easily identifiable as narcissistic personality disorder, will make any normal person run the other way.

The Breakdown
Men: Great place to sniff, sex it up, and split. Artificially enhanced women abound.
Women: Dress up, stroke some egos, drink champagne, but don’t count on finding Mr. Right here. Exception – women looking to become mistresses – these parties are a goldmine.

Sonny McLean’s

Sonny McLean’s Irish Pub
26th and Wilshire
Santa Monica, CA

Remember that scene from Titanic where Rose is at this boring, lame dinner party in first class looking like she wants to poke her eyes out with a fork, and/or snort some cocaine? Remember when Jack cunningly leaves a note in her hand, indicating to meet him later in the evening – which she eagerly complies to – and then he looks at her and says ‘So, do you want to go to a real party?’

The scene that follows, where everyone is wasted, dancing, and there’s a random girl or two in a dress about 100x too classy for the venue basically describes Sonny McLean’s. It’s the haven away from the upper-class, pretentious, Hollywood scene, where you can be yourself (even if yourself includes dressing up like you are a part of the Hollywood scene) and have a real good time. Saturday nights are fraught with locals belting it out on the makeshift karaoke stage and despite the no-hard-liquor license, I don’t think I’ve ever been more drunk at a bar than I’ve been at Sonny’s (although, this might have something to do with the obligatory trip to The liquor-license-bearing Shack across the street for shots).

It’s also a great place to meet a down-to-earth East coast boy, because the entire bar is chock full with them (the ratio of guys to girls here is about 20:1 on a good night). I’ve had my share of these boys here, and I have to say, they are a real treat. Just last weekend I was graced with New Englander who knew how to sing every Meatloaf song known to man. You’re just not going to find dudes like that at the Standard.

But probably the biggest gem at Sonny McLean’s is the karaoke DJ, who looks like he just stepped out of a time capsule that collected 80s rock band members. If that isn’t anachronistic enough for you, he also does magic tricks. It’s a good idea to befriend this man, because during a busy Saturday night, if you’re a cute girl with big boobs, it will work to your karaoke advantage.

The Breakdown
Men: Great if you want to meet men who are East Coast transplants eager to be your writing partner/actor in your next commercial. Also good for playing darts, pool, and watching Boston team sports. Bad if you want to meet hot Hollywood chicks.
Women: If you can’t get laid here, then I don’t know if you should be living in Los Angeles. Try Kentucky dive bars instead.